The day I was collared.

Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. Aug 23rd was a Tuesday.

Summer Lovers

Michael and Cathy, a young couple who have just graduated from college, have known each other about 10 years and have been together about half that time. They vacation for the summer on a Greek island. When they visit a nude beach crowded with other young tourists, they are hesitant at first but find themselves getting caught up in the uninhibited energy that surrounds them.

Cathy reads a book of sexual techniques, then ties Michael to the bed and drips candle wax on his chest. She comments that everyone thinks she's "such a Goody Two-Shoes" but she wants a little more adventure.

Michael, who says he has never been with another woman, keeps noticing Lina, a French archaeologist on temporary assignment at the nearby Akrotiri excavation. One day, at the beach without Cathy, he gets his chance to talk to Lina and ends up starting an affair with her. He then feels so guilty that Cathy immediately notices something is wrong, and he admits what he has done, insisting that he still loves Cathy.

Cathy is naturally disturbed by this, but tells him to get it out of his system, which he takes as permission to return to Lina. Cathy then goes to a local bar intending to sleep with another man as a way to get revenge against Michael for cheating on her. But in the end she chickens out after getting picked up by an amorous local boy. When Michael comes home later after seeing Lina again, Cathy says she wants out of the relationship.

Cathy goes to Lina's home to confront her. Lina assures Cathy that she does not intend to take Michael away from her, which seems to calm Cathy somewhat. Lina and Cathy end up spending several hours together getting acquainted, and find themselves fascinated by each other's work—Lina's archeology and Cathy's photography.

Michael is confused when he learns that the two women are developing a friendship, but he quickly recovers and the three of them spend a few days gradually getting closer. Cathy knows Michael is still sleeping with Lina from time to time, but seems to accept it, although she says it would be difficult for her to see them in bed together. Nevertheless, she tolerates increasing signs of affection between Michael and Lina in her presence.

In a very tense scene one evening, Cathy encourages Michael to kiss Lina. He gives Lina a light peck, but Cathy says it isn't convincing. He gradually turns up the heat while watching Cathy intently for her reaction. He then kisses Cathy, checking to see how this makes Lina feel. The three end up spending the night together. Lina moves in with them, and they continue enjoying the island paradise as a threesome.

Just as the fantasy seems to be a total success, the natural complications of domestic life, like who does the laundry or dishes, come to the foreground. The three work through these problems, but then Cathy's mother appears on a surprise visit, snapping everyone back to reality. Cathy tells her mother she's never been happier in her life. Although Lina claims to be bad at relationships and prefers just "screwing", the three actually seem to be falling in love all around.

Aside from Lina's comment that she prefers just "screwing," the sexually charged plot is underscored by a number of other instances of openly sexual comments and humor. For example, when Cathy's mother comes to visit and is checking into a hotel on the island, the desk clerk asks a woman checking out "how many douches did you have ma'am?". The woman looks at the clerk awkwardly until her friend explains "he means showers."

Finding herself in an intense relationship, and uncertain about her future with them, Lina begins to fear getting hurt when the summer ends and the Americans return home. They tell her it doesn't have to end, but don't go into any details. To avoid getting too close to her new friends, Lina disappears with another young man she met at the beach.

Cathy and Michael are distraught, and spend several days searching for Lina. Eventually they conclude they won't find her as long as she wants to remain hidden. But their memories of Lina loom over everything they try to do, and they can no longer enjoy their time on the island. They pack up to return home, even though they have three weeks remaining prepaid on their rental.

Lina finds her fears are outweighed by her feelings for the Americans, and returns to reunite with them, only to discover they have already gone. She races to the airport and intercepts them just as they are about to board the plane. Overjoyed at seeing her again, Cathy and Michael return to spend the last three weeks of their summer with her.

Importance of this movie

When I was a young child, my father owned this movie on VHS. I always asked to watch it and he would always say no that I was not old enough. I ended up watching the movie in 5 minute increments, sneaking a peek at it whenever my father and mother were not in the room and then slipping it carefully back in it's VHS cover sleeve.

I must have watched the movie every chance I got whenever my parents were away, I even learned how to make copies of VHS tapes so I could sneak it into my room and watch it on my own video player.

I have re-watched this movie now as an adult and having experieneced all that I have. I now reflect on its message about loving more than one person and being able to share your man and be adventurous in life and taking risks. I now reflect upon its actual impact on my young mind.
Quotes

Lina: Jealousy doesn't show how much you love someone, it shows how insecure you are.

Lina: I think being adventurous is scary at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets and then becomes fun and addictive.

Never Forget You

talked to one of those people online who show up seemingly out of nowhere, saying shit like "Remember me?" or who seem to know all sorts of shit about your life, and for the life of you, you have no earthly idea who this person is?

People are like that, one will make an impression, one won't even seem to notice.

I get people like this all the time in my IM box, it sometimes makes me think I have stalkers.

I once had a guy tell me he waited for me to leave my relationship, waited 5 years. Said he predicted and just knew my relationship with my ex wouldn't last, because I was meant to be with him, then he asked me if I was ready to make a leap of faith and move to him. WTF, Over?

I know one thing, I may not have remembered him the first go around, but he freaked me the fuck out and I now won't ever forget him.

Now, I avoid him like the plague.

Control from a distance

1. He has me wear my hair down as much as possible.
2. I'm naked except when in public.
3. I have a task of using my ass for 2 hours a day.
4. I am not allowed to pm, unless there is a very good reason.
5. My travelling is restricted to certain places.
6. The company I keep is restricted, there are certain individuals I am not allowed to be around.
7. I keep a journal of my thoughts and feelings.
8. I read the books to him over skype, and will be on a schedule now at 10pm to read chapters then discuss them.
9. I am to call all Dominants by their proper honorific.
10. I ask to be dismissed or excused.
11. He can yank me from a channel on irc at a moment's notice.
12. He can pull me into a channel on irc at a moment's notice. It can really suck if you are in the middle of a sentence and typing. ROFL
13. I am handed tasks to complete, like writing dances, writing descriptions and learning drinks or gorean terms. I also have a trainer who I report too. I also now perform positions before a mirror.
14. I seek permission to touch myself and to orgasm.
15. I am on his schedule, I go to bed when he does and get up when he does and nap when he allows it if at all possible.
16. I am sexually restricted from the use of others, unless he allows it.
17. I am required to be honest and forthright with information and communication.
18. He can even see my entire screen and my personal messages when I share my screen with him on skype.
19. I have to drink at least 6 bottles of water a day

But none of this will compare to the moment, I'm there in his arms real time.

I can't wait. :)

It's not exactly John Deere Green

I sometimes wonder if city folks look at their Graffiti the same way us country folk look at our name spray painted on a water tower

Wow

Wow. a lot has happened the past two weeks, I just haven't written about them. I haven't quite yet formed an opinion, besides, Master's kept me kind-ah . . . . busy.

ROFL

promises to write soon.

Making Music

Sometimes, the sweetest music you will ever hear, is the kind you can not create, but only imagine.

He said we could make beautiful music together, what he really meant, was he wanted to run his fingers along my spine and play me like one.

I wasn't complaining. 

Albert Einstien

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid. - Albert Einstein

Albert Einstein was born on March 14, 1879 and died April 18, 1955. He was a German theoretical physicist who discovered the theory of general relativity, effecting a revolution in physics; his theories also provided the concepts and foundation for quantum physics. For this achievement, Einstein is often regarded as the father of modern physics. He received the 1921 Nobel Prize in Physics “for his services to theoretical physics, and especially for his discovery of the law of the photoelectric effect.”

He escaped from Nazi Germany in 1933, where he had been a professor at the Berlin Academy of Sciences, and settled in the U.S., becoming a citizen in 1940. He taught physics at the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton, New Jersey, until his death in 1955.

Einstein published more than 300 scientific papers along with over 150 non-scientific works, and received honorary doctorate degrees in science, medicine and philosophy from many European and American universities; he also wrote about various philosophical and political subjects such as socialism, international relations and the existence of God. His great intelligence and originality has made the word “Einstein” synonymous with genius.

Einstein was a scientist, an artist, a philosopher, a rebel, and a mystic. He was an original thinker, and left his indelible mark in the collective consciousness of the world.

His life’s work earned him Time Magazine’s award in 1999, in their retrospective issue that looked back at the 20th century, as “Man of the Century.”

While growing up, Albert Einstein had such a spotty track record as a student that no one would have predicted where he would end up. One teacher told the young Einstein, “You will never amount to anything.” Einstein was later expelled from high school and flunked his college entrance exam.

The issue for Einstein as a student was that he did not think in a purely linear way, which is the way the education system generally teaches.

Sadly, the way the education system is constituted these days, it plays a major role in the repression of genius, human potential, and the potential for self-realization and enlightenment.

Many brilliant thinkers who have done much to change the course of humanity are not linear thinkers. They are creative thinkers who see the world in original ways.

If creative thinkers are expected to adjust their thinking from a nonlinear way to a linear one, in order to conform to the one-size-fits-all method of teaching that is the norm in education, they eventually lose their capability for original thinking. And sadly, when this occurs, the world becomes poorer for the experience.

Albert Einstein pointed this out in the case of the 19th century scientist Michael Faraday, who discovered electromagnetism. Einstein said of Faraday’s discovery, “Faraday’s discovery was an audacious mental creation, which we owe chiefly to the fact that Faraday never went to school, and therefore preserved the rare gift of thinking freely.”

Because of his own spotty track record as a student, once he graduated college, it was only thanks to a family connection that he got a job, as a civil servant in a patent office in Switzerland.

It was while working there in 1905 that he changed the course of history with his discovery of Special Theory of Relativity, which he wrote about in a published paper. Over the next few years, he expounded on Relativity Theory with papers on the nature of light and the General Theory of Relativity.

Einstein’s theories changed the notion of space and time, the notion of mass and energy, the notion of matter and light, and the way they are all perceived.

He opened the door to the understanding that the universe we live in is one ruled by quantum laws, a universe in which matter is primarily empty space rich in information and consciousness. Einstein’s perceptions showed that at its core, matter is not solid but comprised of waves.

Faced with such bold new assertions, it is understandable how Einstein and other scientists of the era who built on Einstein’s theories came to adopt a mystical worldview. They realized the universe was much different than what they had been taught, and that this new conception of the universe was closer in line with the teachings of Eastern philosophies than anything existing science could define.

But Einstein himself was always a mystic. His way of learning and perceiving, as I pointed out earlier, was a nonlinear one. He was a visual thinker, and stated, when asked about how his thought processes worked:
“Words and language, whether written or spoken, do not seem to play any part in my thought processes. The psychological entities that serve as building blocks for my thought are certain signs or images, more of less clear, that I can reproduce and recombine at will.”

Einstein was a brilliant creative thinker, one who saw the universe with fresh eyes. He had beginner’s mind – the mind of an original thinker – and maintained it his entire life. At his memorial, the scientist Robert Oppenheimer proclaimed: “He was almost wholly without sophistication and wholly without worldliness . . . There was always with him a wonderful purity at once childlike and profoundly stubborn.”
When you mix in his creative thinking and original mind with his tendency towards mysticism, you arrive at someone who is enlightened. And the beauty of Einstein’s enlightened mind was that he was able to articulate his vision clearly, for all to understand.

You may not be able to comprehend the profundity of his scientific achievements, but there are many other things that Einstein said that are equally as profound.

Here is a sampling of them:

* “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage — to move in the opposite direction.”
* “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”
* “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.”
* “I want to know God’s thoughts; the rest are details.”
* “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.”
* “The only real valuable thing is intuition.”
* “A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.”
* “God is subtle but he is not malicious.”
* “Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.”
* “I never think of the future. It comes soon enough.”
* “The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility.”
* “Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.”
* “Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”
* “Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”
* “Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.”
* “Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.”
* “Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.”
* “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.”
* “The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking.”
* “Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal.”
* “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”
* “The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.”
* “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.”
* “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.”
* “The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing.”
* “Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.”
* “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the the universe.”
* “As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.”
* “Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.”
* “I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
* “In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep.”
* “The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.”
* “Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism — how passionately I hate them!”
* “No, this trick won’t work…How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?”
* “My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.”
* “The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking…the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker.”
* “Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence.”
* “The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”
* “A man’s ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death.”
* “The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.”
* “Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion.”
* “You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.”
* “One had to cram all this stuff into one’s mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year.”
* “…one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one’s own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought.”
* “He who joyfully marches to music rank and file, has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble war is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of war is nothing but an act of murder.”
* “A human being is a part of a whole, called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest… a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”
* “Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.” (Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton)

Elizabeth Taylor

”When people say, ‘She’s got everything’, I’ve got one answer - I haven’t had tomorrow.”

Elizabeth Taylor by Paul Harvey The Rest of the Story

A lie, rocked my foundation

A no uttered from the deepest of conviction, is better than a yes merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.

Honesty is the most valuable and most precious part of a relationship. Without honesty no relationship will hold. Trust can only be given when honesty is guaranteed. But what if a partner, a friend or even a colleague will withhold the truth from you? Do you respond to this with an emotion such as anger when you find out? Or do you choose not to judge and decide to talk it over?

Do you know WHY this person does not tell you the truth?

Is it to hide what he or she has been doing?
Is it to protect you from feeling hurt?
Is it out of fear of losing your Love as a partner, your Love as a friend or your Love as a colleague?
Is it because they believe you will not be able to respect them anymore?
Is it because they believe a lie is better than the truth because they feel ashamed?
Because they feel like a looser, and will fail in getting respect when they tell you?

Every single one of us has experienced “the forbidden cookie syndrome”….

You have taken a forbidden cookie and lie when you are caught. Even when your fingers are still on the cookie jar.This lie is yours and it belongs to a hidden world only you are allowed to enter. The other person that tries to get in will be shut out by telling even more lies. Why?

There is a truth about a lie. A lie will always come out being what it is; a lie. The lie never travels as fast as the truth. And then what happens? Trust is a result of honesty. It can even be the other way around. But these two are always connected and influence each other.

The motivation that lies behind lies is different to each person that uses a lie or lies. But they have one thing in common. People who lie are people who are afraid to lose. They judge themselves for the lie. Even when they do not feel a want to admit that. They are afraid of BEING judged.

This confuses me.

Why would you be afraid of this when another person truly Loves you? And wants to find the keys in it WITH you? Some people believe they HAVE TO do that on their own, they tell the person or persons who Love them to leave them alone or they even HIDE the truth from them. Could it be the liar wants to protect a world that is only his or hers? A world they WANT to keep apart from The Others because that is their safety spot?

Then I have another question: Is it a safety spot? And how do you know that for sure? Are we taught we better create our own safety spot because we WILL be JUDGED?

Somehow people who are telling lies believe the lie will be better than the truth. Why?

So what benefit can there be to tell a lie?

Why would people hide and try to create another world within their real world? To hide who they really are? Because of a low self esteem? Or because they are creating a self fulfilling prophecy that will turn out to be self destructive so they can prove to themselves they are not worthy enough? So they can confirm to themselves the Love they receive was not meant to be after all? So they can accept it with apathy and do not have to “fight” for their Love?

‘How do you think I look in this dress?’ would mean you could get an honest answer like:‘Terrible! You look like a yellow bird in a package of feathers that is too small!’ Of course we could make it less worse by telling the color is not that great too. There will be a variety of possibilities we can choose from in how we choose and decide to bring the breaking news.

Honesty can travel with hurt when you are not used to that.

We can even grow up with the knowledge that a lie will be better than the truth. We can be taught that we better protect a person’s feelings with a lie instead of really hurting them. But the most untold fact is that we CAN NEVER HURT a person! A person who is told the truth always creates an emotion to that themselves! We are not that powerful to be able to GIVE another person a feeling of hurt. We can be the STIMULUS to that response but the person who feels hurt creates that themselves! This does not mean we can use this to justify ourselves and just tell someone whatever we think of because we would not be responsible for what we do or say.

We are always responsible for what we say or do ourselves.

There are big and small lies. When it comes to honesty, it never really has been black and white, it's always been rather grey. We all tell small lies because we do not want to hurt the person we are with at that particular moment. But does it really serve them?

I wonder what would happen if people would be authentic all the time. Would we create a world of confrontation? Probably, yes…

But would it be worse?

As we get used to telling lies, we would most certainly have to get used to when people would always be honest.

In all relationships but most specially in a Love relationship, Honesty and Trust form the fundamental parts to  build and grow together like the foundation of a home. When honesty fails, a brick will fall out. When there are more lies, the house will be less stable. It can even fall apart. You can replace the bricks but they will have a different color. Whenever a partner in a Love relationship has told a lie “the forbidden cookie syndrome” will almost immediately be activated. It can also be that the person feels the truth is too strong to deny and he or she will admit the lie. It can be they feel the WANT to tell the truth knowing this will replace a brick in their house that will have almost the same color as the brick that fell out and broke by telling the lie.

The truth is that lies are not really serving us at all. We may think they do but that is a lie also, one we tell ourselves.

How many times per day do we tell lies? Small lies? Big lies? Because we feel obliged to NOT tell the truth? Because we start THINKING FOR THE OTHERS? And look through the eyes of The Others at ourselves and our lies? To JUDGE ourselves for it? And feed Fear?

I believe in Honesty. I believe in Truth. No matter what that may cause. I will be responsible for whatever I create as a response to the stimulus. Not the person who tells the lie or the lies. Not even when he or she intends to protect me! I can think and decide how to feel about the truth myself. The same thing for a lie. What liars tell may be justified or true in their own belief. They may even start to believe their lie, IS the truth.

They have a reason to lie and decide the lie is better than the truth. Meaning they decide FOR us. They were taught that it is better to tell lies. They HIDE themselves and want to look BETTER in the eyes of the person they choose to lie to. Why?

Lies are not always protected by time. Lies always travel with the shadow of discovery. The outcome of a lie can carry a destructive force that was not expected by the liar. Only time and Honesty can restore Trust when people decide to do it differently than before.

The inner voice is strongly connected to the Truth. The inner voice is telling you, even when it is hard to hear, there is a lie. It will detect it and bring it up to you, so you can decide what to do with it. You can decide NOT to hear it at a conscious level. Maybe you even believe that will serve you better. But as a lie never travels alone, the truth will open it up and show you what you already knew…

Food for thought, Honesty isn't just about telling the truth either, it's about being forthcoming with information. Master doesn't want to have to dig for information, he is not a mind reader, He should not be the one to blame when you omit facts.

Lies of omission, are still lies.

It's a matter of perspective

You aren't being punished. . . . .

but

You haven't been rewarded yet, either . . . .

The Power of Words

It's not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it that matters

Challenging Constants - An old entry

I slept on the couch for most of the night with a gray blanket and a kink in my thigh. Dreamed of telling recycled jokes about starlets and feeling like a fraud. I must have been in your city. Trying too hard. I woke up in a sweet ether of natural rousing, still dreaming of square footage and Spanish coved doorways. How many charming accoutrements equal a happy home?

Rushed my mother to the hospital for a heart attack and about 5 hours later we finally get home, I couldn't stand one more minute of that CNN bullshit anyhow. Back to the couch to watch a movie and its a slow comedy (is this what they mean by dramedy?) and I’ve plenty of time to spell with one mind and watch with the other. Eight letters, ten. And an insatiable need to make imaginary words in this imagined game. Focus on the challenging consonants. All the pay off is in the difficult to place. I have believed this my whole life. I guess it beats watering the garden and pulling weeds.

More scrabble on my laptop, I spell out the future. Stay. Go. Travel. Make a home. Run away. Trust. Sabotage. Risk. Relief. Sacrifices. Returns. Begin. Really begin to be happy. Same old shit.

Holding my breath, the lack of oxygen begins to distort and confuse my thinking. I know we need to get back to the top, but it’s hard to feel rational down here, hell you can walk outside and the turmoil is everywhere. It’s hard to remember how it feels to breathe and why we ought to fight for it.Topside, I’ll remember. I always remember and it always feels even better than the last first big breath. I decide that volunteering is just what I need to keep doing, work through the pain. Things will get back to normal soon enough.

It occurs to me, recently, that I am Not Getting Any Younger. Maybe I never hoped for anything that audacious, but I certainly believed in a sort of pause. A timeless continuity. Other than Lessons Learned, how have I aged a dozen years in as few as 5? How am I not the exact same dusty girl who tumbled back in from the world five and a half years ago. Almost six, if you want to know, but I hate to write that.

Home with the parents. The thing about coming home is that it settles around you like unset cement. The habits and the safety, the Things you accrue. And the weeks or months in which you meant to leave, stay and grow unwieldy around you, into a year and now I am thinking and thinking: There’s a finite amount of time for adventures. For actively choosing a life and rushing in to it. Not everyone gets free.

It’s raining again like cherry blossoms hatching. Like it will never, ever stop, just a constant drizzle. And I am considering wet shoes and grinning cheek bones in the coffee shop, eavesdropping and worrying about the hearts of the people I love. Worrying about the women, for whom you can have a world of respect and admiration and still not know well enough to comfort. Women who don’t need comfort. Times are hard all around. And still we all keep going toward so many better ends. We might be the luckiest people who ever lived and never know it.

Headlong into a second cup of coffee, the one you never need, I am thinking over and under it all (like another multi-tasked word game) about the scent of oranges and where they grow. There’s only so much time left to waste. And you can make it anywhere you wish it to be, you just have to make up your mind to waste it.

Country Strong

Listen here

when the stars line up

and you catch a good break

and people think your lucky

but you know it’s grace

it can happen so fast

or a little bit late

timing is everything

you know i’ve had close calls

when it could have been me

i was young when i learned just

how fragile life could be

i lost friends of mine

i guess it wasn’t my time

timing is everythnig

and i could have been a child that got took home

and i would have been one more unfinished song

and when it seems a rhyme is hard to find

that’s when one comes along

just in time

when i remember that day

when our eyes first meet

you ran into the building to get out of the rain

cuz’ you were soaking wet

and as i held the door

you wanted to know my name

timing is everything

and i could have been another minute late

and you never would have crossed my path that day

and when it seems true love is hard to find

that’s when love comes along

just in time

well you can call it fate

or destiny

sometimes it really

seems like

it’s a mystery

cause you can be hurt by love

or healed by the same

timing is everything

and it can happen so fast

or a little bit late

timing is everything

Laying here unable to sleep, I played a song, I've loved for sometime, and found myself crying within seconds.

I saw Country Strong. And I don’t want to talk about it.

BUT, I do want to talk about how the soundtrack reminded me that very few things sound as good as that languid twirling, deep stretching drawl of country music and a great deep male voice.

I listen and think this is how lyrics were meant to be sung. Wrenched out and bellowed and shipped off, sent slow and sweet as mail. Waylon and Willie, Kris, Johnny and Merle. And all the disciples they inspired, all the indie boys and girls whose country slips still show beneath their rock uniforms.

Listen to this song. Just set down your hipster flag for three minutes, tip back in your chair. If you’re lucky enough to be wearing boots, prop them on up on your desk and just. listen. to. this song. I hope it moves you like it moved me.

Listen and tell me it doesn't feel good on your ears. Especially that bridge. I can’t figure out who that magnificent sharp uptake reminds me of….some voice on some near worn out old record my parents used to play. All I know is that it sounds good, and feels better than most music.

There’s just nothing like an old fashioned country song, and a voice that can make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Of course, it helps if hes wearing tight wrangler jeans, and has a killer smile and a cowboy hat.

Goodness, i'm wet. 

Importance of Journaling

I myself have been journaling for years. Writing all the lessons I learn and all the ideas I get has become a habit for me. And to be honest, it’s difficult to imagine how my life would be without it.

I had stacks of books filled with pictures, drawings, doodles, random quotes, essays and stories dating back to being about 10 years old. One day a Dominant I was involved with didn't like what he read in one of them and took all my books outside and burned them in a barrel. I now rely more on computer journals than hard copies. Truth be told, nothing can replace the look and feel of handwriting, it can show how upset, how sad and how happy someone is, doodles of happy faces, smacked down exclamation points, scribbles of the word fuck or bitch, but due to recent events, I stopped such things and have resorted to a type of blog instead.

I like the interaction of others that can come from a public journal, but at times, there is a place and time for everything and not everything I put down into words or pictures make it to the public. I welcome comments and perspectives that differ from my own and can enhance my learning curve and growth. Sometimes a random comment from a total stranger can spark new inspiration or an epiphany of my own.

The benefits

1. It trains you to be observant and to be positive.

Once you make journaling a habit, you will develop the habit of being observant in all your experiences.Writing, like the service of a submissive . . . . the devil is in the details. Instead of paying attention to the negative side of things, you pay attention to the positive side to extract lessons from it. Instead of taking things for granted, you look for new ideas that you can implement. Reducing the scatter in your life.

2. It prevents you from losing an idea.

Have you ever gotten an idea only to lose it later because you didn’t write it down? I often experience that myself. But then I developed the habit of writing down every idea that comes into my mind as soon as possible. If I’m away from my computer, I usually write it down on a piece of paper that I bring wherever I go. I will then transfer the idea to the journal in my computer.

3. It helps you memorize an idea.

Even if you do nothing else, the act of writing helps you memorize the idea better. I often remember the things I write down without looking back at my notes. These days the older I get, the more and more I am forgetting things.

4. It trains you to express your thoughts.

I often take lessons from my experiences and write them down in my journal. Since I want to write a concise statement that summarizes the lesson, I need to think for a while to make it concise. This is a good exercise for me because over time I can express my thoughts better, allowing me a tool in which I learn a better way to develop my communication skills and a better way to learn to focus. It disentangles thoughts and ideas. It can also become a playground where the everyday rules of writing, reflecting, and planning no longer apply. Without censorship, your mind is free to run wild.

5. It helps you expand your ideas, broaden your horizons, develop the writer within

When you try to come up with a sentence to express an idea, you are thinking actively about it. Thinking actively helps you connect your idea to another idea, enhancing your ability of self expression. At the end, you will expand your ideas. Building bridges of inner thinking toward outer events, being able to clearly see the line of cause and effect.

6. It helps you review all the lessons you’ve learned.

Why should you repeat the same mistakes you’ve made? By reviewing your journal, you can quickly see the lessons you’ve learned and the ideas you’ve gotten. You can do whatever necessary to avoid repeating the same mistakes. You can use the ideas to propel yourself forward. Allowing yourself to re-experience the past with today's adult mind. Increasing your self knowledge also allows for the building of self confidence.

7. It allows you to see your progress over time.

After keeping a journal for years, you can look back at it and see how far you’ve gone. Things that were big problems in the past might seem small today. The raw ideas you had in the past might have been realized today. Seeing your progress motivates you to move even further ahead. The concept of motivation is not seeing how far we have to go, but looking and seeing how far we've come. It is virtually impossible to write a journal and not discover more about yourself.

8. It can create results in your life.

Much like writing down goals and accomplishing them or writing a list of things to do and doing them in chronological order to better enhance your time management skills, a journal can help you create a clear path of what you want and what you desire in life.

9. It can save your relationship, your future and your sanity.

A journal is a great way to reduce stress by releasing pent up emotions and frustrations. It can keep you from saying things you don't really mean to say when you are angry, allowing you time to rethink everything you have thought and wanted to say before doing so. It can keep you balanced and allow for permanent sanity in a time of temporary insanity.

10. It can bring stability and trust

Your owner is not a mind reader and lets face it, often we think our partner should know us without having to explain ourselves or our process of thinking and feeling and reveal patterns of behavior. Subtle hints given to an owner through your writing can help him develop new rituals, protocols and structure, which will increase your stability and enhance your congruency and trust in one another's integrity.

11. The act of writing accesses your left brain, allowing the right brain to create

The left side of your brain is analytical and rational. While your left brain is occupied, your right brain is free to create, intuit and feel. In sum, writing removes mental blocks and allows you to use all of your brainpower to better understand yourself, others and the world around you, allowing for better judgement and problem solving skills. Typically we problem solve from a left-brained, analytical perspective. But sometimes the answer can only be found by engaging right-brained creativity and intuition. Writing unlocks these other capabilities, and affords the opportunity for unexpected solutions to seemingly unsolvable problems.

Journaling is an ancient tradition, one that dates back to at least 10th century Japan. Successful people throughout history have kept journals. Presidents have maintained them for posterity; other famous figures for their own purposes.

Oscar Wilde, one of my favorite people said: “I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read on the train.

Matters of the Heart

If matters of the heart were physical, we would all expire the first time our hearts were broken. Yet, the heart of us, that emotional, spiritual, intangible center at the core of our being is it any less real than the one that beats in our chest.

One tends to the needs of the body, the other to needs of the spirit. Both need nurturing, like the body that's been neglected, spirit doesn't function well if it isn't nourished.

It isn't going to jump up and burst into song of its own accord. You have to give it a chance to sing. It isn't going to roll up its sleeves and work the soil of your soul all by itself. You have to give it a reason 2 labor. It isn't going to bring peace. solace and understanding on a silver platter.

You have to give it a reason to serve.

All things that flow from the heart, reflect the state of the heart, and you are responsible for its upkeep and like an egg resting in a birds nest, you have to nurture it so it can become healthy.

If I have to teach you . . .

If I have to teach you how to be a reporter i'll do it later

Journaling.

If you haven’t encountered a similar phase of evaluation and reflection, let me assure you: The very worst part is rereading adolescent journals. Hell, even rereading journals from your 20’s is tortuously humiliating.

Because it’s more than just reviewing youth’s silliness with older eyes. The mortification is in spying on this unadulterated version of yourself – you before you flushed out the best parts and contained the worst ones. It’s a front row seat at the unpolished show of What We Were, Before We Knew Better.

I had stacks and stacks of journals and diary's and would occasionally get them out and thumb through them, sometimes smiling, sometimes laughing out loud and sometimes even crying. Fourth of July several years back, I made myself a promise to pull out my journals and one by one read them, kinda like a 365 days of reflection.

Well, sadly i can no longer do this and read my past journals, an ex of mine read an entry he didn't like and took all my journals and put them in a metal barrel in the back yard and set them all ablaze.

I only now have one left, and its torn to smithereens and had burnt edges on it, now a days i journal and write and everything is left on a hard drive, but even then I haven't been being responsible and backing them up.

Reflection is sometimes the best part of my day.

Responsibility not so much.

** Come back and post about journaling in tribesman **

The Joke is the reality of it

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
A B C D E F G H I J k L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will ta ke you .

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainity that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Some People

Some people are passive aggressive, when they don't get their way.

Some people throw tantrums, and act like children.

Some people lash out in anger, and strike before they are.

Some people yell and rant, raving like a lunatic, expecting people to listen to them.

Some people  manipulate and set up scenarios and events, using people as their pawns.

I can handle many types of people, I can predict many types of behavior.

I have learned through time, experience and knowledge that patience is best and biting ones tongue is usually the best course of action.

My father calls me a sadist because I am the type person who gives people exactly what they want, and later when they realize it wasn't what they were looking for, I sit back and watch them squirm. My biggest pet peeve is when someone gets what they want, and then plays the martyr, pretending it wasn't what they wanted to begin with.

Some people . . . . . .  create their own hell, and have no problem taking you along with them.

The Hardest thing

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear.

09/08/2011 - i became beth{Vy} (Write more on this later) it is bed time . . .

update : I have the collar, and yet it feels like she has all the power.

Homework Assignment : 20 things I love about me in no particular order.

1.  I can express myself well through writing, at least most of the time.

2.  My love is limitless, unconditional and unwavering. I'd rather give a hug than a handshake.

3.  I have a wicked sense of humor, and quirky too, much more like a male than a female.

4.  It is utterly impossible for me to be fake, I can't even hide my feelings.

5.  I walk to the beat of a different drummer, that beat is most likely coming from a country rock band with a indie twist.

6.  I am loyal to a fault.

7.  I’m very opened minded.

8. I have the uncanny ability to make people smile.

9.  My maternal instincts are strong and I believe I would make a great mother.

10.  I am very creative and crafty

11.  I am a fairly fast learner. I have a crazy thirst for knowledge, I believe knowledge is power and I can research things pretty good which makes me fairly self reliant.

12.  I am passionate. this passion sometimes ruffles feathers. When I get into something, I reaaally get into it, sometimes to the point of obsession. Even though it can be unhealthy, I wouldn’t give up this trait for the life of me. Deeper states of depression, which I occasionally fall into, make me feel the opposite – passive and uninterested in the world – and for me, there is nothing worse than that.

13.  Even though I often feel like I’m a complete emotional wreck, ready to break down at any moment, my skin usually is surprisingly thick. Although I freely admit, a lecture and stern talking too will often be much more torturous to me than physical punishment

14.  I'm a really good listener and make a really good friend and companion.

15.  I can make people laugh pretty easily, and I'm not afraid to embarrass myself to get the job done.

16.  I a hard worker, and usually can accomplish a task fairly quickly when given it.

17.   I have a crazy strong intuition, which means I'm usually a good judge of character and can predict peoples behavior and thoughts.

18.  I wave my Freak Flag with Pride

19.  I am not a big fan of how I look, but I have to admit my smile is pretty cool and often contagious.

20.  I have learned to say, “It is what it is” during certain situations. I can’t change everything to my personal liking. It has helped me a great deal in being receptive and accepting to things I have no control or power over.

I got called a wench

I have been called many things throughout my lifetime. Honey, Dear, Sweetie, Dollface, Slut, Bitch, Whore, CumBucket, FuckHoles, CumGuzzling Sperm Junkie, Spunk Lover, even a Spunk Monkey, I have never before been labeled or called a wench.

While in skype listening to Master sing and Listening to Mistress giggle at his high pitched off key notes, I was called wench. I ran to go google it and went to Urban Dictionary, Here is what I found and read to Master and Mistress over skype . . .

Enjoy :)

wench

27 up, 13 down

A Wench is a loose (not necessarily literally) yet powerful woman. The Wench is part of a growing sisterhood devoted to torturing men in the nicest of ways. 1. If men require an "adjustment" after kissing you? 2. If your tongue can be registered as a precision surgical instrument? 3. If you have you been accused of smuggling melons across state lines? 4. If you really know what a sponge is for? 5. If "Soak a Bloke" is considered your time off? 6. If you think it's wise to use ice cubes and menthol together? 7. If you know that whipped cream is more than just a dessert topping? 8. If men lose the power of speech when you adjust your bodice or breath deeply? 9. If you are vertically challenged but horizontally gifted? 10.If you like to play with your food? 11.If when removing your bra on Monday, you find enough loose change to buy breakfast? If you answered any 3 of the questions above with an "oh yeah," then you are obviously a woman of distinction, a product of excellent breeding, possessed of stunning (if not vaguely dubious) talents and appetites  A True Wench should... 1. Remember that all men are created surplus. 2. Be able to procure alcohol or funds at any given moment. 3. Never suffer from an empty cup or have to pay for it. 4. Be proficient enough in neck biting so as to disable at least one (1) whole side of a man's body (without drawing blood). 5. Maintain a repertoire of at least three (3) Dirty Ballads with which to sing for her supper. 6. Be willing and able to prove the authenticity of her hair color anytime, anywhere. 7. When walking, have the flexibility, when wearing a studded hip belt, to put out an eye. 8. Realize that, when lacing a bodice, if she can still breathe, it's not tight enough. 9. Be known to and easily recognized by every Rose Girl and Ale-Keep on a Faire site. 10.Be able to interrupt a scripted scene simply by the way she eats or breathes. 11.Maintain at least the illusion that she can "raise the dead," metaphorically speaking. 12.Be able to cause mustache growth on a 10-year-old Boy Scout with a "wubby." 13.Know how to polish a sword so as to keep resulting patron drool from pitting the steel. 14.Strive to create an interesting pattern in her bodice tan without undue stinging or particular indignity. 15.Have no problem changing her wardrobe in a busy parking lot. 16.Master the technique of removing the whipped cream from a rose without damaging the petals. 17.Know all the right animal noises

HELD FOR RANSOM

Can you imagine what it would be like to be kidnapped and held hostage? Can you imagine how distraught you would be over being held hostage? Can you imagine how frustrated and restricted you would feel because of the limits that your captors had placed on you?

You would more than likely feel disoriented and lost. i think it is safe to say that being kidnapped and held hostage, uncertain of your fate would be an incredibly traumatic experience that none of us would ever want to be placed in, not really.

Many people are being held hostage right now, and don’t even realize it, the interesting thing about it is that their captor is themselves. The reality is that many people are holding themselves hostage.

I only bring this up because i have been sitting here for the past few days spending 15 mins a whack, looking at other women’s profiles, be they slave or submissive. I have come to realize these women are placing a lot of conditions on their submission, in essence holding themselves back from a life they dream about in the process. They are dictating limits to themselves, they are restricting their own freedom, and they feel lost and very uncertain of their fate. Like a typical hostage, they feel out of control. The self-imposed restrictions are not as obvious as they might be to a person who has been kidnapped, however they are there and they seem very real.

We in essence hold ourselves hostage. We deprive ourselves,by placing artificial limits upon ourselves. Every now and then we can see the light peeking from under the blindfold, we know it’s there, we know that we want to see the light, we know that we want to break free, however we don’t. I see this all the time when it comes to women who are afraid to take that small step from hiding behind a screen to reality.

You can say that in many ways we develop Stockholm syndrome and we sympathize with our captor. We make excuses for why we should be in the position that we are in and we make certain justifications for our behavior and we begin to believe the lies that our captor tells us. After all, the sweetest lies are the ones we tell ourselves.

Even when the self-imposed binds of restriction are released we still act as if we are restricted. In fact, we begin to fear freedom and all that comes with it. Some people have held themselves captive for so long that they no longer recognize their authentic self. I myself am no exception, my Master has told me this, and i believe Him. He has said “i will push away the debris, to reveal the true you.”

I am very disturbed by how lifeless these people seem in their profiles, especially when i know that most of what i see is self-imposed and that it could be corrected. These women could breathe new life into themselves if they would only awaken, if they only understood that there is so much more available to them than they realize and the dream of reality isn’t as farfetched as it seems.

You can decide to walk away from your captive anytime you like. You hold the ransom; you hold the keys to the cage you have put yourself in. It’s all up to you!

Heart of the Lion - Master LionHeart

He dreams about having two girls in his home, and only being able to keep one and making them prove to him who is the better choice by having them accomplish strange things.

He puts off seeing a doctor until it's a screaming emergency. He is terrible at remembering names, birthdays. He will Procrastinate when he can get away with it. He insists on giving the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. He's a die hard republican.

He is Gorean and he is a delight to talk too.

Curiosity is not becoming in a Kajira is a common Gorean saying.
-Savages of Gor, pg. 60

I have become increasingly frustrated and bored throughout the day. I often think I need to get offline and start to paint again or draw, write more in my journal, perhaps. Something. Anything.

I let my curiosity get the better of me. I let go of reason and threw caution to the wind, I did what was not rational, logical or wise. 

I went into other rooms and did what online Goreans call "traveling".

The second mistake I made, was letting someone else anger me and control me.

The third mistake I made, was forgetting all is not as it seems in this strange place.

All of this lead to disrupting my Masters day, and private messaging a Master for help when I was not allowed too.

I pray and hope, in the future, I have enough sense to go do something else.

Thinking and not enough saying

The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them - words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller, but for want of an understanding ear