Regret

People who know me will tell you i often say what is on my mind and have no filter from head to mouth.

I've been accused of always voicing my opinion when i should be silent.

I do not however share my actual feelings as much as I would like to.

I'll talk a lot, I'll create meaningless conversation, but substance is often lacking. Truth of the matter is, I am often embarrassed by how I feel, and often think my feelings are inappropriate. That if people really knew how I felt about others and situations, they would think me a horrible person.

I am overwhelmed. I almost had a moment today, about two hours ago, I sat with a bottle of pain pills for the second time in three days, I had five in my hand-and it hit me. This is myself trying to get my own attention, to shake myself awake, to return to realization. That a drug induced coma, isn't the way this weekend is supposed to go.

I had to step away for a moment. I went and made a cup of coffee, sat outside on the porch and turned on the radio and watched the fog roll over the side of the mountain and enjoyed the morning for what it was.

Cold.
Erie.
and Strangely Beautiful.

The reason I am coming undone is because I have never felt this "regret" to this extent, I have never felt like I am falling out of control. I am so disappointed in how I've let everything pan out and come to be. My life was supposed to be better than this.